Horror (Dream #5)

I have challenged her before, I can't believe my greed. I am willing to challenge her again. No one has ever beaten her. No one but me has ever gotten away with their life after taking her on. But no one, not even me has beaten her. I can't pass up the challenge. Others around me are following & are willing to take her on too. They are emboldened by my willingness to try again. I should tell them that I am likely going to die, that the odds are against me & that I am absolutely insane to even try again. I should but I will not. I hope God forgives me & understands that I have not pushed anyone else to do this, in fact I have not even made the suggestion. I am without blame for their stupidity. I however can use the distraction that their bodies will supply as she takes her time & pleasures herself as she loves to do with the tearing & ripping away of the flesh from the soul in a long joyous sigh. I must remain at the back of the pack. I can not allow them to look at me as their leader. They are brave but vain they must want to beat me to the prize & jump in head first to the hell on earth no one believed existed.

Tying my shoe I notice the strands in the string. Browned from the earth I have wandered. I wonder as I view what is perhaps my last vision of life on earth, where I have been & what piece of that past is coming along with me to my doom. Have I the right to bring along even the smallest piece of this life to the hell I am voluntarily entering. That piece of sand. That night on the beach with Beth, as the chill air came in she leaned in close to warm herself on my chest. I could smell her breath, feel the beat of her heart in her fingertips as they tucked into the fold of my arm. What right have I to drag that piece of sand that fond memory into this. If I was a moral man I would enter naked with only my fragile skin to protect me. I need these shoes, I need every edge I can get. I am sorry Beth but I need to throw you to the mouth of hell to get what I am here for.

I breath the air, I can feel life in this air. Pungent, musty, stale, it is still life, decay is life. Through this passage before me there is no life in the air. I remember when I was there as I breathed it was an experience like no other, the complete absence of life even just in the air. The complete absence of feelings other that terror, pain, & horror. The pain was so overwhelming it made me start to giggle, then laugh out loud, I got so high I couldn't see straight. It was a beautiful feeling. Pure unlike life that is a constant mix, convoluted, unsteady & confusing. Is my willingness to return here really based on greed? Could it be that I am looking for that purity I found only here. Could it be that in itself purity is our ultimate achievement even when that purity is pure pain, pure horror, pure fear?

Blood on my shoestring. I brought these same shoes with me the last time I was here. Could it be possible to come out this time with the purity I think I am seeking. Is there anyway to return with it. Is this the reality, I did not escape last time, I was left with this hunger to return, she has addicted me, I need my fix. I have no fear. For even a taste of what I need, a split second before I die it will be worth it. You win honey, I'm coming back.