Truck Surfing, Hoarding Indians, & Aliens

My friend, which we will refer to as T.G. to protect her identity, you will see why this is necessary later, Stopped in the doorway. It was a welcome change to see someone we know show up in our doorway. All we were getting at the time were Junkies, Meth Addicts, Crazy people, & one robber who got our bottle of whiskey at gun point. Regardless of all these unwelcome visitors, we had to leave the door open, we could not afford electricity & the Summer heat in the desert that year topped 123 degrees.

When T.G. showed up we knew there was going to be big trouble in little Sunnyslope. However her kind of big trouble was always fun trouble. She only showed a couple times a year, but when she did she was loaded & ready to spend it. She needed some lackies to do her bidding, get in fights, challenge the law, Do things almost assuredly to result in physical harm, and generally keep her entertained. Don & I were those lackies & went willingly even though we knew what was to happen.

I will not be telling the story of the weeks with T.G. at this time, that would take far too much space. I will focus on a high point during our time this trip, Other trips with her will have to be addressed at a far later date. I do need to let you know that we knew T.G. from high school. She disappeared the whole time we were in college. When she reappeared she was a successful madam with a solid stable of whores that she ran through some 900# sex call lines.

We went off with her in a red pickup truck being driven by one of her more successful whores. Successful because she was actually smokin hot. After several days of straight drinking & mass amount of drugs. I was commandeered to drive as we left a bar in Tempe because everyone was too messed up. I got chosen because I was too drunk to be involved in the argument that occurred about who would drive. Therefore I got volunteered. I made it out of the driveway of the bar & immediately got pulled over by a cop that had been watching the whole scene. I told him the truth, I was too drunk to know what I was doing & they forced me to drive even though I had not wanted to. I told him I was too drunk to argue my side with them & they voted me the driver. It was not my fault. I don't believe this argument worked, but I did get let loose without a ticket or jail. I think getting let loose had more to do with the length of my explanations which were never ending & the fact that the others had all wandered out into a 4 lane major road in different directions while he was paying attention to me. Alone he could not get them all under control. He grabbed Don who was the closest & told him he was sober enough to drive, get his friends together & drive us out of there & go straight home. Don was not only not sober but had no drivers license & knew nothing about how to drive. I think 90 percent of people even when they haven't learned how to drive have some concept & could pull it off. Don however had no concept of how this machinery functioned. After much trouble getting the truck started & a few lurches forward the cop came back. I explained that Don had never driven before. The cop told me to get back in the drivers seat & take us all straight home. I did the first part, but not the second.

We decided to find a swimming pool by driving down alleys with some of us standing up in the back of the bed of the truck looking over fences. We did this truck surfing for quite a few blocks with The Whore driving, it was cool she actually tried to shake us, most people take it easy & make for boring truck surfing, with her driving it was death defying. We finally found a pool & left all our clothes in the back of the truck as we knew we would have to make a quick get away when the owners woke up to 4 naked people in their pool at 2am. We got in a good 5-6 minutes of swimming which is more than usual when borrowing a swimming pool. We truck surfed off for awhile then T.G. said we were close to some acquaintances of hers & they always keep mass quantities of cheap wine. So we went there.

We parked in the alley & hopped the fence, we had to weave our way through a WWII helicopter, half-track, & jeep that were broken down, stripped of the engines, but otherwise complete. We went past a small mother-in-law type cottage & then entered the porch. I noticed the house next door was almost completely wrapped in tin foil?

We walked in to the dark house. All the occupants were asleep, T.G. promptly woke the sleeping American Indians & told them we were there to drink some wine & do some partying. They never said a word, It could be the stoic nature of the American Indian, or the fact that they were suddenly woke up, but more likely it was the fact that T.G. never stopped talking, she stormed through their home, took what she needed, found to key to the cottage & without thanking them or asking permission, turned the lights back out & wandered out with 3 of the gallon bottles of Ernest & Julio wine.

Let me flash back to the inside of the house real quick before moving on. The Indians in the home were hoarders. They save absolutely everything. If you don't know of the hoarding mental problem, look it up so you can better appreciate this. They were not normal hoarders though, they were meticulous, clean, & absolutely organized. The volume of hoarded stuff filled their home, floor to ceiling, except for some alcoves left open for sleeping bags to sleep in. The oddest thing was there were like 8 of them living in there, 8 American Indian hoarders. The hoarded stuff was stacked incredibly tight. The edge was as smooth as any wall of any home. The only difference was instead of drywall or brick, it was millions of items stacked so perfectly they made a smooth solid surface floor to ceiling. I even saw the very edge of a bicycle tire in there.

Don, T.G., The Whore, & I went out to the Mother-In-Law cottage, it was a 1 room. We proceeded to dance & Drink 2 full bottles of the wine between the 4 of us. Don & I went out & played in the WWII incapacitated vehicles. We played Army men, just like when we were kids, only this time we had toys we could actually sit in. At one point I climbed atop the helicopter & shimmied out on one of the props. Don sat at the connection & with his feet got it spinning so fast that eventually I was tossed & hit the aluminum shed, smashing it completely & making one hell of a racket. The Indians never came out & we never saw them again that night. However a cackling scream emanated from the aluminum foil house. "Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut The Fuck Up!" in such an odd cackle we had to go investigate & try to make it do it again. We couldn't find it, we were giggling as we were climbing the fence to investigate. It came out of the window right next to us as we topped the fence, "Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut The Fuck Up!" it startled us & we fell off the fence & started laughing our asses off. We were really, really, drunk. We peaked up again & saw that there was one little hole in all of the tinfoil house & a pair of lips were sticking out yelling at us to be quiet. Then the lip's proceeded to yell at us, not to shut up because the lips were trying to sleep, but because all that noise was going to draw attention from the aliens to her home. A home that she had so effectively camouflaged with shiny reflective material that looked nothing like the rest of the neighborhood. This sent us into such hysterics that we had to hold onto each other to keep from falling off the planet.

After much screaming & way too much laughing, so much we were in pain. We opted to return to the room with T.G. & The Whore. On the way Don walked past a mop bucket with a dirty mop in it & decided to pull it up & swing it at me. I don't think he had intended on actually hitting the target because he knew I would pound the crap out of him. He hit a bullseye though, the old style rag mop hit me on one side of the head & then wrapped around my head & dropped about a gallon of dirty mop water straight into my mouth. I pulled the mop off & proceeded to chase Don through the yard growling like a bear & screaming at the tin foil lady to shut the fuck up herself, I was pissed & going to kill him if I had caught him. Don was standing on the other side of the yard keeping a space between us that would allow for escape, I asked him for a cigarette to get the mop taste from my mouth. I hadn't smoked in a year & it took me another year after this night to quit again.

All the excitement has wiped us out. We went in to see T.G. & The Whore. Don passed out. I was not sleeping until I had consumed my fair share of what was left of the wine. I was laying down on the bed with the wine on the floor, rolling it & tipping the wine into my mouth. I was barely functioning. At this point T.G. and The Whore decided to have sex with each other while leaning against me. I didn't mind & was not frustrated that I couldn't join due to being too drunk, whores scare me anyway & T.G. scared the hell out of me. I did sneak a hand in here & there & they didn't mind, I passed out.