Secret Bar SloMo Fight

Whatever was going on in his head had distracted him from his new shot of cheap booze. The gap was long enough for the other drunk to sidle up to him at the bar. The other drunk reached ever so slowly towards the shot. The movement was not slow in an attempt to sneak up on the shot of liquor, it was as fast as he could move. He picked up the shot and drank it, setting it down as fast as he had approached it. The owner of that shot watched the whole scene with no effect or emotion until about a full 10 count after the empty glass hit the bar. I saw one eyebrow respond, then the other. A line appeared in his forehead and another. Soon his face registered that he had just been taken & was finally showing the anger. He grabbed the bar with his right hand & then his left. He pulled himself around to face the drunk that had violated a sacred trust of a bar. I sang along with a full chorus of "I Love This Bar" in the time it took for the first brow to move & the turn to complete. The violating drunk stared blankly at the owner of the stolen shot. A twitch in his chin registered that he might be in trouble, but the rest of him was not getting it. Soon a questioning look came over the sides of his mouth and the angle between his brows dropped. He then looked up, I could tell he finally got it. He had to run, he was in trouble. He spun himself around & stood, fell back to the bar stool, & stood again. His pursuer was pulling at the bar as if it was supposed to give him a boost up, it did not. He stood, fell back on his bar stool, & stood again. The thief had an arms length on the pursuer. The pursuer, at a pace that would take about 1 and 1/2 minutes to cover about 20 feet of carpet, reached as far as he could in front of him with fingers wiggling as if trying to grow them just long enough to grab hold. The thief was doing the same but grabbing at thin air in hopes that something would catch and give him leverage to move any faster than the snails pace at which this chase was happening. The booze they were drinking must have spilled down their pants and melted their shoes or something. They just couldn't move even in anger and fear. The chase proceeded as the rest of the song ended, they went around the corner, leaving us to stare at the Chinese stone engravings, feeling like we just had a drug flashback. This whole scene had just transpired in the slowest of motion but the song and sound around us had remained constant, it was just these 2 guys moving in absolute rhythm with each other. I wonder if on their plane of existence that they were moving at a completely normal speed. The victim returned, it took forever for him to get from the door to the bar, obviously he had not caught the offender. About 2 minutes later the offender returned. He walked to the bar and sat down next to the victim, neither one seemed to recall what had just happened. They didn't know that one of them had broken trust and stolen the others drink & they didn't know that one of them had intended harm to the other for doing so. This must be the meaning of true peace. Only that magic elixir booze could deliver such quick resolution to conflict & such a decisive transition to peace.

Another unposted old one.

Following the large horseflies around the basement, hoping they would lead me to the location of the smell of dead animal emanating from every direction. The stench was evil scientist amazing. With my red bandanna tied around my moth & nose, along with the Curious George flashlight, & the Taz Toes, I crept along. The Flies were no stool pigeons, they saw that I wanted to remove their meal ticket & were unwilling to give up the location. I followed but they led me astray, even to the point of sacrificing themselves to Castor & Pollacks by leaving the basement into the kitchen. The evil stench was like a ventriloquist, only instead of a voice it projected the smell, everywhere I went it would get stronger then weaker. A bout of ennui worked to resolve the hunt, all I had to do was feign interest, act wearied as if to give up and my nemesis came to me. Finally face to face with my nemesis did not equate to success, rather just the 1st part of the journey ended with the hard part to come. My nemesis found a lair deep within the walls of Liberty. With no fear of death or dead things & a very large hammer I pounded the hell out of the wall & removed the obstacle keeping me from resolving our smelly issue. Exposed like the Wizard in OZ, my prey was not to be feared. Through breaks in the wall I spied 3 bodies. In a rush as if they would get away I tore at the rest of the wall. They were not going anywhere. The family of rat's had come together in a group to die. There were many more exposed once the wall was completely removed. I gingerly removed their bodies from the wall, I had to do this by hand, no tool would get back to the crevice they had made their final resting place. I felt bad that I could not leave them in their chosen final resting place, unfortunately it stunk up the whole house. The children of the flies, Maggots, had already gone to work feasting on the bodies of the deceased. I reached in and scooped every last maggot out by hand. They would travel with their meal to their final resting place in the circle of life.

Unsent Message To A Friend

People we love pass from this existence to the next throughout our lives. Many without the opportunity to say goodbye. The opportunity to meet with and talk to a loved one as they pass may on the surface seem a sad event. When we feel the sadness we are thinking of the loss. What we overlook is the great opportunity we have in being able to spend a few more moments with them. Sometimes it seems they can't hear us or don't know we are there as we say goodbye. I believe they can regardless of the situation. This is a rare event. In that time we can take from them the whole history of their lives & infuse it into ours, their spirit permeating us. At the same time we can tell them of our lives and give them great joy to take with them to the next level of their existence. You have the opportunity to tell her of the future of her lineage. In her mind she will see the past joy's of her family come back to life through your announcement of another to begin. She will think of the future you will have with her great grandchild & all the joy and pain to come. She will know that even the pain in life is worth it as part of the experience. A quick and unexpected passing is tragic. The end of a long life is not. It is sad to lose them, but a real blessing to have had them. Remember as long as they are alive there is still hope they will hold on longer, but when they finally give up and resign themselves to move on, know that you are what they lived their life for.

Truck Surfing, Hoarding Indians, & Aliens

My friend, which we will refer to as T.G. to protect her identity, you will see why this is necessary later, Stopped in the doorway. It was a welcome change to see someone we know show up in our doorway. All we were getting at the time were Junkies, Meth Addicts, Crazy people, & one robber who got our bottle of whiskey at gun point. Regardless of all these unwelcome visitors, we had to leave the door open, we could not afford electricity & the Summer heat in the desert that year topped 123 degrees.

When T.G. showed up we knew there was going to be big trouble in little Sunnyslope. However her kind of big trouble was always fun trouble. She only showed a couple times a year, but when she did she was loaded & ready to spend it. She needed some lackies to do her bidding, get in fights, challenge the law, Do things almost assuredly to result in physical harm, and generally keep her entertained. Don & I were those lackies & went willingly even though we knew what was to happen.

I will not be telling the story of the weeks with T.G. at this time, that would take far too much space. I will focus on a high point during our time this trip, Other trips with her will have to be addressed at a far later date. I do need to let you know that we knew T.G. from high school. She disappeared the whole time we were in college. When she reappeared she was a successful madam with a solid stable of whores that she ran through some 900# sex call lines.

We went off with her in a red pickup truck being driven by one of her more successful whores. Successful because she was actually smokin hot. After several days of straight drinking & mass amount of drugs. I was commandeered to drive as we left a bar in Tempe because everyone was too messed up. I got chosen because I was too drunk to be involved in the argument that occurred about who would drive. Therefore I got volunteered. I made it out of the driveway of the bar & immediately got pulled over by a cop that had been watching the whole scene. I told him the truth, I was too drunk to know what I was doing & they forced me to drive even though I had not wanted to. I told him I was too drunk to argue my side with them & they voted me the driver. It was not my fault. I don't believe this argument worked, but I did get let loose without a ticket or jail. I think getting let loose had more to do with the length of my explanations which were never ending & the fact that the others had all wandered out into a 4 lane major road in different directions while he was paying attention to me. Alone he could not get them all under control. He grabbed Don who was the closest & told him he was sober enough to drive, get his friends together & drive us out of there & go straight home. Don was not only not sober but had no drivers license & knew nothing about how to drive. I think 90 percent of people even when they haven't learned how to drive have some concept & could pull it off. Don however had no concept of how this machinery functioned. After much trouble getting the truck started & a few lurches forward the cop came back. I explained that Don had never driven before. The cop told me to get back in the drivers seat & take us all straight home. I did the first part, but not the second.

We decided to find a swimming pool by driving down alleys with some of us standing up in the back of the bed of the truck looking over fences. We did this truck surfing for quite a few blocks with The Whore driving, it was cool she actually tried to shake us, most people take it easy & make for boring truck surfing, with her driving it was death defying. We finally found a pool & left all our clothes in the back of the truck as we knew we would have to make a quick get away when the owners woke up to 4 naked people in their pool at 2am. We got in a good 5-6 minutes of swimming which is more than usual when borrowing a swimming pool. We truck surfed off for awhile then T.G. said we were close to some acquaintances of hers & they always keep mass quantities of cheap wine. So we went there.

We parked in the alley & hopped the fence, we had to weave our way through a WWII helicopter, half-track, & jeep that were broken down, stripped of the engines, but otherwise complete. We went past a small mother-in-law type cottage & then entered the porch. I noticed the house next door was almost completely wrapped in tin foil?

We walked in to the dark house. All the occupants were asleep, T.G. promptly woke the sleeping American Indians & told them we were there to drink some wine & do some partying. They never said a word, It could be the stoic nature of the American Indian, or the fact that they were suddenly woke up, but more likely it was the fact that T.G. never stopped talking, she stormed through their home, took what she needed, found to key to the cottage & without thanking them or asking permission, turned the lights back out & wandered out with 3 of the gallon bottles of Ernest & Julio wine.

Let me flash back to the inside of the house real quick before moving on. The Indians in the home were hoarders. They save absolutely everything. If you don't know of the hoarding mental problem, look it up so you can better appreciate this. They were not normal hoarders though, they were meticulous, clean, & absolutely organized. The volume of hoarded stuff filled their home, floor to ceiling, except for some alcoves left open for sleeping bags to sleep in. The oddest thing was there were like 8 of them living in there, 8 American Indian hoarders. The hoarded stuff was stacked incredibly tight. The edge was as smooth as any wall of any home. The only difference was instead of drywall or brick, it was millions of items stacked so perfectly they made a smooth solid surface floor to ceiling. I even saw the very edge of a bicycle tire in there.

Don, T.G., The Whore, & I went out to the Mother-In-Law cottage, it was a 1 room. We proceeded to dance & Drink 2 full bottles of the wine between the 4 of us. Don & I went out & played in the WWII incapacitated vehicles. We played Army men, just like when we were kids, only this time we had toys we could actually sit in. At one point I climbed atop the helicopter & shimmied out on one of the props. Don sat at the connection & with his feet got it spinning so fast that eventually I was tossed & hit the aluminum shed, smashing it completely & making one hell of a racket. The Indians never came out & we never saw them again that night. However a cackling scream emanated from the aluminum foil house. "Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut The Fuck Up!" in such an odd cackle we had to go investigate & try to make it do it again. We couldn't find it, we were giggling as we were climbing the fence to investigate. It came out of the window right next to us as we topped the fence, "Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut The Fuck Up!" it startled us & we fell off the fence & started laughing our asses off. We were really, really, drunk. We peaked up again & saw that there was one little hole in all of the tinfoil house & a pair of lips were sticking out yelling at us to be quiet. Then the lip's proceeded to yell at us, not to shut up because the lips were trying to sleep, but because all that noise was going to draw attention from the aliens to her home. A home that she had so effectively camouflaged with shiny reflective material that looked nothing like the rest of the neighborhood. This sent us into such hysterics that we had to hold onto each other to keep from falling off the planet.

After much screaming & way too much laughing, so much we were in pain. We opted to return to the room with T.G. & The Whore. On the way Don walked past a mop bucket with a dirty mop in it & decided to pull it up & swing it at me. I don't think he had intended on actually hitting the target because he knew I would pound the crap out of him. He hit a bullseye though, the old style rag mop hit me on one side of the head & then wrapped around my head & dropped about a gallon of dirty mop water straight into my mouth. I pulled the mop off & proceeded to chase Don through the yard growling like a bear & screaming at the tin foil lady to shut the fuck up herself, I was pissed & going to kill him if I had caught him. Don was standing on the other side of the yard keeping a space between us that would allow for escape, I asked him for a cigarette to get the mop taste from my mouth. I hadn't smoked in a year & it took me another year after this night to quit again.

All the excitement has wiped us out. We went in to see T.G. & The Whore. Don passed out. I was not sleeping until I had consumed my fair share of what was left of the wine. I was laying down on the bed with the wine on the floor, rolling it & tipping the wine into my mouth. I was barely functioning. At this point T.G. and The Whore decided to have sex with each other while leaning against me. I didn't mind & was not frustrated that I couldn't join due to being too drunk, whores scare me anyway & T.G. scared the hell out of me. I did sneak a hand in here & there & they didn't mind, I passed out.

Originally uploaded by corneilius1968.

Private Property No Trespassing

"Here is the ridge we should be following!"
"But that goes in the wrong direction"
"Listen to me I have been out in the woods hundreds of times & never get lost, in fact I have never been lost in my life."
"I just don't feel like going in the wrong direction will get us there"
"Listen to me, this ridge may twist & turn it's way back to town, but it will get us there.
"I'm going this way!"
"Alright we'll go your way, we got food & water & sleeping bag's, what's it matter if we stay out her a few more days?"

"Hey! What's that?"
"What?"
"That up in the tree?"
"it's a......."
"It's a Volkswagen bug"

"Okay... What is a Volkswagen bug doing way up in that spruce?"
"I don't know but look over there on that hill"
"What?"
"In that tree, look up near the top"
"it's a......................"
"It's a god damned washing machine, thats what it is"

This discovery of stuff in the trees continued for hours this evening on the rim of the Grand Canyon. We found more large machinery like stoves, washers, dryers, washing machines, some from every era as well. There were washing machines with the hand cranked wringers on them. We found more small cars, a horse carriage, one tree laden over to bending down with silverware hand tied one at a time to the tree, tens of thousands of individual pieces of flatware. Dishes, Tools, One tree had over 30 ladders hanging from it. All of these items had been placed in the trees over decades, you could tell by the ones where parts of the trunk had grown around. Some were as clean as if they were erected yesterday.

Hours of amazed exploration later we found that we had wandered without direction viewing this wooded wonderland of dead modernity. Now we were not lost but knew we could not strike out until the moon or the sun rose, the blank cloudy sky afforded us no direction. We decided to find a clearing with no trees for things like buses, trains & aeroplanes to drop out of on our heads while we slept.

We found a clearing but it was already occupied by a barracks style army tent. A very large one. This could hold at least 80-100 soldiers & their gear. There was a glow from the middle section of the tent. Not wanting to surprise the tenant we called out from a distance. The camo clad figure came out of the tent looking like something out of apocalypse now. He waved us in, as we got close we noticed the shotgun & he saw us hesitate. "This n's for the damned rodents, don't you worry"

He invited us in to stay over in the barracks, exclaiming "plenty of room". As my eyes adjusted to the light, he wasn't kidding. There was nothing in the tent but one dresser, one army cot, a generator powering one bare 60 watt & a full size 1950's refrigerator, out of which he extracted 3 Budweiser long necks that he proceeded to open with his machete that was hanging on his side. I was grateful for the beer but was wondering why he kept all his stuff in the trees but nothing in his tent? I was hesitant but had to ask. "What's with all the stuff in the trees?"
"Them damned rodents keep getting in here I have to keep stuff up so as not to create nesting places, They is still getting in here regular no matter what I do"
"How far does the trees with stuff hanging in them go?"
"My daddy left me these 300 acres & the national park's been trying to get em from me every since. I can't leave or someone from the government is sure to slide in & stake claim to it"

His eyes went wild, he motioned for us to be quiet, I went to take a sip of beer he grabbed my arm not wanting even a swig of beer to give away our position to whatever it was he heard. I then heard it, under the fridge, a rustling. Out popped the head of the largest rodent I have ever seen, he was not kidding. He Screamed as he charged the refrigerator, blasting holes in the refrigerator & about 20 feet of tent all around. The rodent was not hit & tore off through a hole in the tent just opened by a shotgun blast. The rodent was gone but the screaming & shooting did not stop. He ran off thorough the other section of the barracks blasting holes left & right while screaming like a madman. We grabbed our packs and some more of his beers through the holes in the fridge & let out like bad out of hell.

"Follow me!"
"Are you sure that's the right way?"
"Shut the fuck up & follow me!"
"We were headed that way"
"I told you earlier that is the wrong way, we're going back to the ridge that will take us home."