My Run In With The Law

The bar in Ballard closed at 2am & all the drunks were asked to leave in the typical friendly way by the Tin Hat bartender, "Last call, drink em' up & get the fuck out" It was a long & liquid night at the bar, many drinks were had. So upon entering the real world my mind went to deciding on what kind of mayhem I could cause. The first victims were the sandwich boards advertising the local business, those things tend to piss me off when I'm drunk. They all ended up in someones front yard that night. Since then they have all been taken inside each night at closing time for the business. I could have told them long ago that it was wise to bring in the sign nightly, obviously they needed an example of why. I was happy to oblige.

The next victim was a typical garden hose, made in China I suppose? This garden hose left crossing the sidewalk & out into the median grass was rudely blocking my path & had to be dealt with in an immediate & decisive manner. The hose was tied in knots around several vehicles on the block linking them all together & blocking the street. That will teach that damned hose from getting in my drunken path.

The City of Seattle may have learned a lesson this night as well. Cement them street signs into the ground. It is amazing just how far a street sign can be thrown & just how loud it is upon crashing back to earth. I always thought stop signs were the best, this night however I found that the ones with the big yellow triangle reflectors are actually the ones that fly the farthest & make the most noise.

There it was, right in front of me. Calling to me like an apparition in the darkness. It had to be done! There was no way I could resist. The flag pole in the middle of that well kept yard was just too much temptation for my drunken mind. My underwear were going to be flying proudly in the wind this very night. I dropped drawers & took off my smiley face polka dotted boxers. I knew the others with me well & so was not bashful of my nekkidness. Besides I was drunk & really wouldn't have cared who watched. I put my pants back on & hoisted the boxers to the top of the flag pole. Cheers went up from the crowd of 2, they had been tagging along the whole time, enjoying my antics. This however was the main show, I was proud of my successful venture and stood back admiring the new flag. The pole was in complete darkness except for the very top which was highlighted by a street light on the next street over. My underwear glowed in the night as bright as day. It was a beautiful sight.

We wandered on, there is one of those triangle street signs, OK so I did the grand finale already but I just couldn't resist one more toss. This one went up & over my head right out into the street. It was beautiful & loud. The Red & Blues of the Seattle Police Department came on down the road. I was nabbed, pinched, caught, busted. I wondered what the fine was for sign tossing. I wondered how I would explain my sport of sign tossing to the officers. The car got to my location & from several different directions so did 5 other cop cars. Light & Sirens blaring & they all poured from their cars screaming for me to get on the ground. Wow! they really like their street signs in this city.

My friends had been following at a distance all night, at this time they had gone ahead about 40 yards. The cops having me now in cuffs so I couldn't get away and toss anymore signs asked if I knew those people. "I have no idea who those guy's are. Did they do something wrong? It has nothing to do with me". This tactic did not work, the cops were in fact there for me. They didn't pursue my friends who went around a corner then snuck back behind some bushes to watch the rest of my nights entertainment.

Six of the cop's sat me on the ground & started yelling at me in unison. "Where is the flag" When I say yelling, I should explain this. They were pissed & spitting while they yelled. Some had obviously been military Sargent's because boy could they yell. I was sitting there & the only thing I could think at this time was, how the heck did they not see me toss that sign? After some more yelling & me not answering because my head was somewhere else, I thought what the heck are they talking about. Obviously I had said this out loud because I was hoisted from all sides & dragged about 7 houses back to the flag pole. The flag that was on that pole, they said. Oh I thought, that. Being sure to keep this thought inside. "I have no idea what you guy's are talking about."

At this point the shortest cop with the largest attitude came up to me & screamed, vibrating with anger. Tell us where the god damned flag is. I thought, again keeping it inside this time, they must think there was a flag that was taken down and replaced with my underwear. It is recently after 9-11 & nationalism is very high right now. Am I getting busted for being a flag burning terrorist? I said I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about. The cop said I am not a sir I am a maam. This shocked the hell out of me, I was speechless, There was no way this cop was a maam. I guess I cracked a smile a bit because I caught hell for the next few minutes. I was asked another question that I don't remember and not thinking answered no sir. I was slammed to the pavement by this short cop who claimed to be a maam not a sir. The other cop's, even though pissed at me for being a flag desecrater, stopped her from continuing her assault. They picked me up & dragged me over to the flagpole & instructed me to lower my underwear from the pole. "Those aren't my underwear, I have no idea what you are talking about". The short cop, Maam, came over pulled my pants out to view my junk. She said you have no underwear on & expect us to believe those aren't yours? I told her I go commando & never wear underwear. She said you better not be lying, do you know what happens when you lie to an officer? I said no sir & was promptly slammed against the flag pole. The other officers removed Maam from my immediate space & took over. One officer asked, in a normal tone for the first time, take them shorts down from that pole. So I proceeded to lower my shorts from the pole. I felt sad that the world would not get to wake up to my grand polka dotted smiley face underwear in the morning. Those poor people would not get a nice morning laugh to start their day. What an injustice these officers were pulling on the people of the neighborhood. I got them down & thrust them to the cop who jumped back & said I don't want them, put em in your pocket. I said, OK but their not mine.

The other Police Officers that were there waking up & interviewing the neighbors & the owners of the flag pole found that the flag get's taken down & brought in each evening. They seemed to relax a bit when they found it was just a flag "pole" violator & not a flag violator they were dealing with. They told me I could go. So I went. Right as I got to the gate of my house a police car came speeding up with it's lights on. I stopped thinking they had changed their mind, OR had found the yellow street signs. One of the officers came over & handed me my ID which they had forgotten to give back to me.

My friends in the bushes came out & stated: "We can't believe you got away with that". I could believe it, I always get away with things somehow. My friend the Vampire says I have an army of Angels protecting me. We ended the evening by slam dancing around the living room to loud heavy metal music, drinking about 1/2 a bottle of whiskey, shooting off about 10 pounds of illegal fireworks in the front yard, & watching my roommates girlfriend do a striptease on the table.